On A Darker Note

I started to write out what I spend an hour writing by hand at 1:30am. I have erased it all. I look and I'm not sure I can write what my heart poured out in tears. Do I open myself up like that? Do I want record of a bad memory?

I've been having nightmares again. I don't think from what I've found that I dream like most people do. When I dream, it's real. I'm there. I feel the heat of the sun, the roar of the crowd reviberate through my being, the sweat of my daughters hand in my own. I'm there. I have the soar muscles in the morning, the hoarse voice from yelling, sometimes bruises.

From the time I was prekindergarten I have had nightmares. Horrid ones. As I got older they got worse. Most could rival Steven King's own imagination. Know what it's like to wake up stabbing the air where in a dream an intruder came in to kill you? I do. I also no longer sleep with a knife under my pillow. The reason for that was that my kid brother and sister came into my room when they had bad dreams or there were storms. I recognized the danger. This didn't stop the dreams.

It was always me someone was after. This continued till I was about 25-27 years old. Then they quit. The past two weeks they've continued steadily. Sometimes up to 4 and 5 a night. Now it's my children. It's my husband. We aren't talking someone is sick and dies. Horrid, horrid deaths. No mother should have the pictures in their heads that I have. No mother should hear that short of scream from thier child.

Last night was the worst. I woke up in a panic attack it was so bad. My throat hurt from screaming. I couldn't get the image to go away even with my eyes open. The look in my husbands eyes .... the vision of the incident..... where is the mind eraser when you need one?

You know it's a dream....but you still go check on the child. You still pray for protection. Pray their gardian angel is stronger than the evil out there. Why does every mother's worst nightmare happen to me almost every night?

And for the record, I didn't eat anything spicy.