What a World, What a World!!!!

I have joked we should have named this "resurrection kitty" instead of Love. But this is Bub's favorite toy.

So many things, so much to do, and so short of a time to do them in.

Yesterday I didn't know how to pray. I want a job. I NEED a job. I can't move forward with my life without a job. George says for me to wait till I get what I want. To be patient. Don't take some medeocre job and get stuck not doing what you want.

Can you believe this? This man is the one taking care of us. It's not his job. But he's not saying, "take the first one so I don't have to support your family anymore!" Nooooo.....he's saying, go and get what you want. We'll be alright. I cry. What a man. What a human being.

You know that verse on the window?

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

See, I told you I put it in majic marker on the window. You didn't believe me did you? This is what it looked like in the morning with the fog on the window. Pretty isn't it?

Well this verse if being put to the test in my life. So is this verse:

"That I have said, that I will bring about, what I have planned, that I will do." Isaiah 46:11

How hard is it to believe when you are on the Mountain Top? Not that hard. What about when the storm is blowing? Or when you feel like someone kicked your feet out from underneath you and you feel trampled, beaten, battered, bruised, unloved and unremembered? A little more difficult, eh? Yes sireee!

For those of you who have been wondering, here's our situation.

The kids and I live in a three room cabin that my grandfather built on church campgrounds. There was 7 of us in there but someone came to Mom and Dad and offered thier cabin up, so there's only the 5 of us now. (only, hahahahaha!) Oh, and one kitten named Love.

About a week after being in the cabin, the torliet quit working. So we have to walk outside in the cold dew, two rows behind us to use the communial torliets and showers. We actually kinda enjoy this (but not so much at dark-thirty in the morning) because we all take a stall and shower and gab together like females do.

Interjection: This makes me think of the comedy of Mike Warnke. The wife stands up from the table and asks, "Who's gotta go?" When she gets back her husband asks her: "What took you so long?" "There was a line." "I know, you took it with you."

Back to the scene at hand. A couple of days ago we replaced the microwave with one that had more 'umph'. Well. It died. I replaced with a smaller one of mine (that's older than my daughter), it died this morning. This morning when I'm feeling that beat up, dragged out, pityparty feeling.......yeah, this morning.

We were laughing the other day cause the cabin we live in has running water - and the water heater went out. So to heat up your coffee you have to go to Mom and Dad's cabin to use thier microwave. They don't have running water, but they have a flushable torliet. It's not closer to thier cabin than the communial torliets. (but it's a pretty walk)

To do laundry we take the clothes up to my Aunt and Uncle's. (also the pastor and wife of the church on the camp grounds) This is the only oven we have and internet connection. Currently we are using an electric skillet to fix meals. It works! (praise God and please let it keep working!)

Each morning the kids and I get in the van at 7am. We drive 40 min. to the Elementary School that they have attended the past 4 years. I see no reason to change schools till I have a job. Why should they have to leave all thier friends, sports and such cause one person was stupid? Not twice in a year they aren't. I'll get a job and THEN move them. They already know this and are prepared. One is currently begging for it.

Then I run my errands, go to my appts, do my interviews. I pick one daughter up at 3pm. I drive back to pick another one up at 4:30 for cheer pratice. Then I either drive to the Jr. High to pick one up at 5, drop her off at 4:20 for an away game or 5:20 for a home game. Somewhere in there we have to go to town to eat and drive back.

The driving is wearing me down. It's financially breaking me. (and I'm getting 'trucker gut') I am so ready to move forward with my life. We have about another month left before they shut off the water and power to the campgrounds. This just adds a little more pressure.

We are living off the money my ex-husband pays for child support. Do some math here:
Income: $800
Outgo: $130/wk for fuel
$250/mo in Dr. Bills
$12/game x 2 a week
+ meals before games and anything else the girls need

While this is the daily norm, here's a few other battles the devil is using to try to break me down:

My oldest daughter is in volley ball. The coach apparently doesn't like her. She knows where we are living and how far away we are. The last game was only 5 min from the cabin. She WOULDN'T let me take her home from the game. She made me drive the 30 min to the elementary school to take her 35 min. back home. Afterwards she makes a fool of my daughter at each practice. I went to the principal to see how to handle this. He said it was wrong what she's doing and he'll have a talk with her. As of yesterday, she's still picking on my daughter during practice. (and I'm NOT supposed to smack this bitter, hateful, pg woman smart. I keep telling myself this) So, we pray for her every day before school - the coach that is.

The (i hate to use 'woman' here because I don't see this person as this way) female that was flaunted, rubbed in my face, given my place and placed as more important than me, has been emailing me. Her first words where that I was jealous of what was just a 'friendship'. Uh-huh. Now it's that I refuse to see the truth and live in a fantasy world. (Well I am dreaming of a two story, 5 bedroom house, don't think that's the fantasy she's accusing me of) Really.....

When I ask if she would like to enlighten me, I get alot of backlash. This doesn't convince me of the 'friendship' I KNOW wasn't existing. However, it does spur me on that I do want bigger and much, much better things. Word to the 'female' that so many people are saying, "she thinks if (me) is out, she's in" the house is open. Go for it girlfriend. As I've said many times before, if you can catch him, you can keep him.

I'm sorry for complaining, but I have to let it out. Today has been a Chocolate Pity-Party. Last night I hit a breaking point and literally ran from the cabin. (down the sidewalk to the last cabin on the hill) Where I cried, literally bawled before God. Please. Please. I don't think I can take much more. Knowing full well that I can take all He gives because He never gives us more than we can handle. Because it's this testing and trials that will make me as pure as gold. It's this battle that makes me stronger.

Today I'm learning that I WILL go as far as He tells me to go - even if I have to die to get there. When I get to the end I will discover one of two things:

Either God will come through for me or He never existed to begin with. I already know where I stand. And as one Pastor's wife told me, "His Word is true, or He's a big, fat liar."

Cashing in My Blessings

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plns to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you You will seek me and find me when you see me with all your heart. I will be found by you ' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29: 11 - 14

I started this blog a week ago and didn't feel it was being written correctly. For that reason I shut down my computer and waited. Now I know why.

Today in the Bible study the girls and I were doing on the way to school, we read where Saul would not destroy everything as God had commanded, but yet kept the animals for sacrifices to God. The age-old, well rehersed verse, "Obedience is better than sacrifice" - I had the girls repeat it a few times. (Now is the time to build thier foundation on God and give them something to fall back on when they are adults.)

See, I have this dear friend of mine. Miss M. I love Miss M. She offered us her pears this year. As much as I tried to get over there, something always came up. One day I called her at dark-thirty and asked if she cared for me to glean her tree. To my delight, she was taking a day off. Yeah!

I came over and wouldn't you know, we had an impromptu Bible study right there. She had her Bible opened to Romans where she had been studying. I love Romans. Especially Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." I love that verse so much I wrote it in majic marker all across the living room window. How we need to remember that.

This verse comes out of the love section of that chapter. It continues with "Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute (or curse) you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. " You really need to just read the whole chapter, it's got so much good advice in there.

Be joyful in Hope: How often do we hold back on being joyful because we fear an upcoming event. We are afraid others will find us odd. We don't want to have the wind taken out of our sails. How sad! We should be joyful! "Rejoice in the Lord always!" "The Joy of the Lord is our strength" And we let the enemy take our joy? Our strength? Let's not mistake joy for happiness. Happiness is based on the situation at hand, joy is much, much more permanent and stronger. It's a healing tool. "Rejoice in the Lord always .... and again.... I say REJOICE!"

Patient in Affliction: Sometimes it seems it will never end. The rut. The day. The month. The issue at hand is bigger than Goliath (who was over 9 feet tall by the way). The circumstance...oh when is God going to move! Patient in affliction - know why? Cause that's how me makes us stronger. That's the barbells of our spiritual body. This is how me flexes our spiritual muscels.

You know all that 'extra stuff' I said was in my Bible? Here is some of my favorite extra stuff. "God doesn't promise to eliminate challenges; instead, he promises to give us strength to meet those challenges. If he gave us no rough roads to walk, no mountains to clim, and no battles to fight, we would not grow. He does not leave us alone with our challenges, however. Instead he stands beside us, teaches us, and strengthens us to face them." (based on Psalm 18:32 - 34)

Faithful in Prayer: Don't we all do better when we talk to our friends? I know God is aware of what goes on in our day-to-day life, but even he said he 'longs to hear from us'. It's not that we do Him a service, but think about it, aren't you more in tune with the friend you talk to on a day to day basis than a once-in-a-while basis? And let's all keep in mind, 'we do not have, because we do not ask'. We like to hear from our children. How would we feel if they kept to themselves? And...it makes us stronger. You want to be close to God, talk to him. He's willing, he's waiting and he's ready.

Back to the pears:

So we had our Bible study and went out to pick pears. I have never picked pears before. So we have a ladder, climb up between hornets the length of my middle finger, grab this tree and shake the dog dooty out of it. I mean pears are flying off in all directions. It was the funnies thing I've experienced in a while. (other than the time my son fell out of his seat and landed head first in a bucket, that was pretty funny too. Legs all up in the air.....)

Pears are flying through the air, bouncing off our heads, some are going SPLAT! on the ground. It was a blast! We had a HUGE box of them. I've made pear butter and pear jam. Looking forward to partaking of that crop!

We're having lunch and enjoying the day when she says to me, "I have something for you." She hands me $100 bill. GUYS! I started to cry. "You can't do this, you need this." "Listen, God told me to give this to you. And it's 10% of what he gave me to help me out. I want you to have this." I'm now bawling. (right there in the resturaunt) I was laughing and crying, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal and made a deposit instead!!!

See, just that week I went to a cheerleading meeting where shoes are $40, sweat outfits - $40, and then there's other stuff. I sat there in the chair trying not to cry, reminding myself, God will provide. He knows your situation. He is faithful. He still sits on a golden throne. Have faith. I said nothing to anyone. In fact that very day I didn't say much for fear I'd spill over. And here he goes to prove once again, "I love you and I will take care of you."

OHHHHHHH and that's not all!

Yesterday the cheer coach tells me that since her daughter is in volleyball as well (got one in that sport too) that she'll take my cheerleader to practice and save me the running. (thank you God again)

I was so grateful. Now I had a day with my youngest daughter. Poor Dink often feels she gets pushed to the side because her older sisters are more aggressive than her and Bubs takes up lots of time and attention. Here we had sometime together, I was so happy!

We went to Wally World (that's walmart for those of you who aren't - or rather won't admit that you are - rednecks) We were going to look at shoes. I get there and find out she already has shoes. We look anyhow.

Here we are in the isle having a good time. She's trying on one shoe after another. She puts on this boy shoe. I tease her, 'you aren't a boy dink, you are too pretty'. The lady in the isle tells me how her granddaughter says she's a boy - actually insists she's a boy. We got to talking. Dink asked for the shoes.

I had to tell her, you need to look at shoes for winter. I can't afford to buy shoes cause they are pretty. This woman and I continue talking. She asked why I couldn't buy them. Listen, I'm not proud, I don't mind not having much. I explained the situation very briefly and said, "she's one of four children and I can only afford to get what we need. But you know what, things will change. Right now every need is supplied, we are happy and it won't always be this way." She tells me I have a good attitude and that my daughter is beautiful. Enjoy her. Oh, I do! She goes down the isle.

Dink and I are dancing in the isle, I'm petting her head like a cat and making 'meow' sounds when the lady comes back around. Dink and I are laughing at being 'caught'. She comes up and whispers, "I like your daughter, get her the shoes." Shoves a $20 in my hands. I tear up. God does it again! "Listen, you don't have to do this," handing it back to her "we're okay" She says, "just pass it on one day." I bawled. I bawled all over that woman trying not to get mascara on her. I didn't expect it, I didn't have to have it.

What? God isn't just meeting our needs, but our wants also? How good is He?

She said, "is that enough to get a little something for the others as well?" Like if it weren't I would ask for more. This lady drove a long way to come to a funeral, and she does this? I cried and cried. (I'm crying now)

There were things I was needing to get each child. One needs this item of clothing, another needs this and that. I even got Bubs something.

Please, don't read this thinking "Oh, poor thing, she needs money. She's on hard times." That's not it. God takes care of me. It's just these times when He sneaks in and lets you know he loves you that moves me.

Reminder: God said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So, if God seems far away - who moved?

Come back.

Mighty Miracles

This is going to be a very vague blog but just know, there is an explaination for everything. Some of you should just break down, email me and ask!!

Things have changed so much in the past month. For one, my feet are healing fairly quickly. They went from OUCH to oooooooo to black and crusty to now they are peeled apart and a nice healthy purple. Smooth as a babies' butt. (I know, I have a baby)

It just seems that as things come up that are obsticles, God comes back with an answer just as fast. Sometimes, the answer comes before the obsticle. Isn't He great?

I have learned to wait. I hate waiting. Well, I used to hate waiting, now I just am not so fond of it. There are things that will come in time that are needed for forward motion in my life. There are things that need to happen to better other areas of life and there are things that are happening I didn't feel would happen. Isn't life so exciting?

I have learned so much in the past month. I have grown so much. I have become so much and I have to say this: I LIKE ME!! I like being me. I like who I am. If you were me, I would like you. I would want to spend time with you. (not too much cause I would probably get on my nerves - insert laugh)

Change is not always bad. Standing on ones' own two feet is good. Never sell your morals, never sell yourself and give up who you are for another person's happiness. You are not responsible for another person's happiness.

Pain may come in the night, but joy comes in the morning. How true. I enjoy each new day. I like watching the sunrise. I look forward to what each new day has in stall for me. I wake refreshed, feeling alive and remarkably - full of hunger.

I have delved into my new Bible the size large enough to choke a mule but full of so much extra stuff that it satisfies me. I learn. I grow. I become.

Since I made the serious changes in my life I have found these gifts so far returned:
1rst came Peace
2nd came Joy
3rd came Hope
then Strength
and now Faith

Peace - no matter what my circumstances, I have peace. It's uncomprehensible. Doesn't matter what I'm going through, who's in my face saying what, what obsticle I have to face. I am no longer a nervous wreck. I am no longer worring. I sleep at night. Something I haven't done in well over a year. I eat now, for I have an appetite. (it's beginng to show as well) I know all is well and taken care of.

Joy - this is much stroner than happiness. This is when you can be in the storm and still be happy. You can be sad about something but still have joy. It puts a smile on your face in the midst of adversity.

Hope - Oh dispair is gone! GONE I SAY! There is hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for another day. Hope for things longed for. Things money just can't buy.

Strength - How nice to have this returned. It came along with wisdom and direction. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not so self-consciencous. I'm not unsure of myself, of if I can handle things. I don't doubt. I feel 10 feet tall and able!

Faith - Here was evidence of a change in me. I believe. I hold onto what I believe with all my strength. If I could wrap my arms and legs around it, I would. Faith is the evidence of things unseen and hope for things longed for. Oh the promises I'm holding onto. Let it rain!!!

If I could bottle what I feel, if I could pass on what I know and experience, the line that would be at my door. Just know, there are mighy miracles happening in my life. I'm drinking from my saucer cause my cup is running over.