From Abuse to Loose
It's been a year. A full year. Since I stood my
ground, shouted down the biggest and most evil devil I know and said 'No
More!'.
A year. A year of fun. Of
victories. Laughs. Triumphs. Lessons learned. Friends who backed me,
ready to fight at the drop of a hat, or be the savior/shoulder/sounding board
when needed.
I prepared for WWIII, because I had
watched this person, for mere entertainment, destroy. Destroy families.
Destroy marriages. Destroy careers and jobs. Why? In
his words....because he could.
Preparation and patience. Five years
of prep. I'd attempted freedom before and knew what to expect.
Daily. Daily there was a chiseling away at that cage.
That cage that was so hated but the only protection that was known.
That horrid, awful cage, tucked deep inside a cave where there was but
only one master who swore to protect you. The keeper of the keys.
(Who, I would ask, was going to protect me from him?)
No one. There was no one. Why?
Because you are conditioned to allow no one but him. He is the
abuser and the protector. The feeder and the keeper of food. The
one that admonished any individual thought. There was no life - without him.
No individualism. No self. No identity. No life. Nothing. He IS. He
Always Will Be. He has set himself up as and maintains by every means,
that HE is God.
When others step in to help, they are
destroyed. To an extreme manner. Unbelievable manner. These
were your friends. They knew you. They are shocked....how can you
allow someone to treat you this way? Why? Because you aren't strong
enough to break the chains yourself.
Those heavy, wrought iron chains as thick
as your leg. You take them with you everywhere. There is no escape.
There is no door big enough for those chains. No one can break them
for you. Seriously, no one. The Keeper of the Keys is NOT going to
ever let you free. Under NO circumstance.
This is why people who help other out of
abusive situations don't understand why they go back. They don't know any
better. They can't accept it. They are too afraid of the change.
Mentally they have no changed and until they do, until they decide that
come literal Hell and High water they want out, even if it includes
Death.....they will always go back.
One thing I have learned, those who have
never experienced abuse are so easy to pick out when talking to someone who has
been abused. Those who have not, have absolutely no understanding as to
the Why. They can't help but judge. Why would you allow someone to
treat you that way? Why would you stay? Why wouldn't you stand your
ground and fight back? Why wouldn't you kick the shit out of that person
and walk away?
WE DON'T KNOW!!!!
Well, I do now. Because it doesn't
start at the point where you meet us. It starts with that little grain of
sand. That first acceptance. That first
'I-will-do-this-for-the-relationship' grain. And then you take. And
take. And give. And give. Until....well, there's just no more of
you. To the point all of who you are, is gone. You don't even know
who you are. Or what you like. THEY define you. They tell you what
you like, where to go, how to do it. And Buddy, step outside of what They
want.......ohhhh....big price to pay.
It's classic. It's been told before.
Shown before. Movies have been made about it. Ex: Sleeping With the
Enemy. Books have been written. Songs have been Song. Ex: Independence
Day. You see it allllllllll around you. Even those living in it will
think to themselves, 'why doesn't he/she walk?'
They keep you sheltered from the outside
world. This way you can't be independent. You can't see reality for
what it is. You don't have a Support Group or anyone to lean on.
They keep you weak. Dependent on only Them. (evil bastards!)
Mine.....even got me fired from a very career directing position.
If you have no job, you have no money. You are dependent. If your skill-set can't
grow, you have no future. You are dependent. Even demanded I drop
out of school.
That bloody awful cage. That the
panther was growing in. Pacing back and forth.
See, I had left before. 9 times
before. Each time worse than the last. With four children and no
job, it's a little difficult to manage on your own. Children, job
hunting, healing, mental stability, fighting that war.....all at the same time.
O M G!
So I knew what I was up against. The
last time he was told......'This Is Your LAST chance.'. Yeah. He
took me seriously. While I was gone. Then he came with that plea.
'I found God. I've changed. I've given up the alcohol.
I've gone to counciling. I treated you so badly.' And my
absolute favorite - and the telling clue to it all.......'I had decided I would
do absolutely ANYTHING to get you back' He did. Just that.
For that reason.
Not because I was valued. Oh no.
I was an object. Not a person. Just enough to con the stupid
woman into letting him right back. OMW - I was so stupid!!!!!
3 Months. And the drinking started
back. Oh not the way it was....remember, it's that grain of sand.
It was....a glass of wine a day is healthy for you. Yeah....A
GLASS! Not the whole damn bottle! Or...as the kids and I
laugh.....the BOX! (Bwah ha ha ha!)
Then the women. 'It's healthy to
admire a person sexually. Don't you like a good looking man?' Hell
yeah I do. But I look with my eyes, not my hands. Ya moron!
The internet crap. Texts. Phone calls. And that affair
that he had never let go of. How do I know? Cause she freakin' woke
me up at 0'dark-thirty calling me out.
That was one time I should have followed
my gut and gone out there to meet her. But noooooooooo........he
protected her. Not me. Her. Twit.
Then the abuse. ALLLLLLLL of the
abuse. The physical. The mental. The emotional and by
freaking God, the sexual. W T F was I thinking????????
I wasn't. I was surviving.
You'll take alot to survive. And people like me, who are natural
warriors......we take a hell of alot. Way more than we should. (it's a
never-say-die thing)
They sap the Sweet out of you, one abuse
at a time. The belief that Good will prevail from you. That God is
actually watching and gives a shit from you. And then the masses judge
YOU for no longer believing. Really? Walking one single freaking
mile.........just one....in MY shoes and lets see how well you are at the end
of it.
It's a funny thing when you prepare for
what you know is coming.....and that person proves you right.
I found myself, 3 months after taking his
sorry, two timing, LYING ass back. That person that loved me to death do
us part...and was willing to bring the parting factor any time I wanted to cash
in on it. Found myself ........crying. Again. (insert
continuous string of profanities, they start with MF....)
Crying. That 5 year affair. I
had cried. And cried. And cried. Not sleeping (like now).
On the kitchen floor, bawling my eyes out while he was passed out in the
bedroom (from his non-alcohol induced drunken coma). I had vowed not to
allow this bastard to make me cry again.....I still lose that one.
Crying. AGAIN! I'm a big fan
of, If you don't like where you are, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and
move forward, type person. So that's what I did. Myself and I had a
conversation about Me.
What is it you want? I WANT
OUT!!!!!
What do you need to make it happen?
..........................................................
1. I need a good paying job
2. All the bills have to be paid off
3. Money needs put back because we know
the bastard isn't going to help with one dime (proven right)
4. I have GOT to make myself stronger
And the journey
begins..........................
So as I said........one year. And
when he got the first glimpse that I was getting stronger, it got worse.
That cage shrank to the point that panther was poking out between the
bars. My co-workers asked about the bruises down my arms.......they
couldn't see the ones covering my body. Abuse flowed over into the kids.
To friends. To family members. (isn't he just a freaking peach?)
And yes, as the abusee........you are the
bad guy. Get used to it. Adopt it. Use it to make you
stronger. Cause honey, this is no way to live.
When that cage shrank is when the panther
realized, it could pass through bars. And it sat. On the edge of
the opening of the cliff......where life awaited. And peered. Could
it be......possible? Could it survive another escape plan? Could it
possibly take all four kits.....run like hell and protect them at the same
time? Could there be a successful mission after all the ones that had
failed before? Was there the mental fortitude to make it this time?
What would be the cost?
Life itself. Cause if I failed this
time. I was pretty sure I wouldn't live much longer.
Funny thing about Escape plans. It's
not the planning it that takes balls, it's the executing. The pulling of
plug. Crossing the finish line. This is where cowards fail.
So many people will work so hard for so long for something they want and
they don't have what it takes to accept success. To accept change.
To pick up that gold.
Those who succeed in battle did so because
they learned their enemy.
All four of the above mentioned steps had
been put into place. Did I have what it took to say Go? See, while
growing oneself stronger, to survive, I also had to keep up appearances of
compliance. That gets harder and harder as one gets stronger.
I can remember when I vocalized that
decision. Sitting on a stool, scrubbing the cabinets. And of
course, from the cheater comes the accusations....who am I leaving him for?
O M G! ME! I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ME! My answer was
actually, "There is no other male in line to take your place."
(true story) Really? Like I was going to bust my ass to get out of
this just to allow some other bloke the chance to do to me what you did?? HELL
NO!
There was no emotion. No fear.
No excitement. Just acceptance. I was done and it was time to
go. We need to part ways and you need to leave as fast as you can pack
your bag and make an exit.
There was the begging. The pleading.
The admittance of wrong. (You freaking think???) The apologies.
The bargaining chip. He will move out (for one month), if I
will consider a separation. Anything to keep control over my life.
I agreed to consider it.
And the pressure. When? When will I give him an answer?
How soon can he expect it?
Why? Because what I
didn't know for the week that I agreed to seriously consider it (and I did), he
went behind my back to pressure my mother, the children, my friends, into
convincing me, forcing me, persuading me into staying.
There were no actions on
his part. (a true character of nature in my book) None. No
flowers. Candy. Songs. Poems. Letters. Ten years of being with
someone and you didn't even take the time to learn who I was. Because MF,
if I had wanted to woo you back, I knew EXACTLY how to do it. Nothing.
Nothing but lies and manipulation. His calling card.
Thursday comes. The
day before my answer is to be given and my oldest daughter and I are talking.
This is when the discovery comes about the four hour delegation he put
those kids through at the kitchen table in my absence. FOUR HOURS!
Children! Who as an adult can sit for four hours at a meeting??????
Telling them it was
THEIR responsibility to force me to work things out. THEY were
to talk me into it. Children. The cry of a desperate control
freak.
In my shock....I called
my Mother. Who he had been calling, every day, several times a day,
telling her the same thing. Oh wait. And also that I was a drunken
bar fly cheating abusing mother - but he still wanted her wayward daughter.
(Funny.......wasn't it YOU the bar was calling me to come collect?
- and that you now 'work' at?)
O M G!
ARE YOU SERIOUS?????????
(decision made)
Being the direct person I
have grown into becoming. I returned the question with one of my own.
"Have you been talking to my mother?"
"No"
"You haven't spoken to her all
week?"
"I haven't spoken to her.....in over
a year."
"Not even today?" (four
times that day)
"No." (decision made in
stone)
"Nice of you to tell the kids their
mother has a long list of boyfriends" (who btw never call.....)
"I haven't said anything to the kids.
Have you made your decision?"
"Yes. We need to part ways.
How soon can you move out?"
And he came around the bed. No more
details are needed. He followed his normal behavior. It got ugly.
It got uglier. More lies. More things said to the kids. He
wasn't happy until he made them cry and then shouted at me in front of them,
"It doesn't have to be this way. YOU can change it." To which I
calmly responded, "I am."
He made sure to leave my son standing in
the driveway crying while he drove away. To traumatize him. It
worked. He is. That's a whole 'nother story.
And
then....................................
There was peace.
