Jehovah Jireh - The God that Provides. My provider. His grace is sufficent for me. And how well has he provided for me.
Jehovah Rophe - The God that heals. My healer. How deeply he goes into the wounds that no one sees and only you and feel. He never does a patch job. He cleans you out and grows you new from the inside out. It's real, it hurts and it's better than anything else you're using.
Jehovah Shalom - Prince of Peace. Ah, sweet peace. There's nothing like it and nothing that can substitute it. There's one place to get it from and it's sweeter than gold.
Some things I have learned as of recent:
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may endure a night, but (joy) rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 31:5
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21 SO speak life!!!
These are the cubicles my daughters used in the cabin to put thier clothes and stuff in. I look at this picture and think to myself, how in the world did we do it? Ah….space. Not just that great expanse above our heads dotted with little twinkle lights that we are told are great gases of age old stars that have exploded, will explode or are destined to become big black holes. (sounds like some people I’ve met)
May it never be said I wasn’t grateful for the way God has cared for the kids and I. So much more than I ever expected or ever would have felt I deserved. 4 kids, 3 rooms, 1 cabin. But…we had heat, food, shelter and protection. (the air conditioner worked great too!)
I have recently been made aware of information I previously didn’t know. Yes, I am my mother’s daughter. My mother is so much different than and I we have worked out some pretty extreme differences, wrongs, misunderstandings and such through out the last 5 years that has brought us to where we are. We thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. She has such great compassion for people that I don’t possess. Where I have mere tolerance, she has true compassion and caring. Where I get aggravated and lose patience, she has this keen sense of understanding for where they are and how they got there. She will give and give and give for other people to a point that not only I, but many of you wouldn’t go to either. She is a great example of God’s love for others.
I am my mother’s daughter, but I’m not necessarily my ‘father’s’ daughter. For a man that has only gotten to know me recently, this man has sacrificed and given more than the father I grew up with.
Yes, I have spent the last three months with my parents. They have taken care of us, guided us, patiently endured my mental and emotional break downs. They have been there when I have ranted, raved, cried, given up, questioned God, cussed, screamed, jumped up and down, said stupid things, said hateful things, lost my mind and good sense, and every other irritating behaviors I express. I will personally vouch and confess that I’m sure many times I have been imbearable. I am my mother’s daughter, but my father has been the one to surprise me.
Mom and I are night owls, yet it was Dad that was in my room at 1 a.m. with comforting wisdom spooned out to me in easily swallowed doses. Who has told my mother to get me a brand new outfit for a job interview, advising we get me a wardrobe of the like when I land a job. Who suggested they get me the Bible I now devour with all the extra ‘meat’ in it. Who drives us from one yard sale to the next all day long on Saturdays so we can look over each and ever item laid out.
Recently I found something else out. See, I gather that he has looked carefully and thoughtfully into my future needs and my mother’s as well. The house, the house payments the I can afford, the patient guiding and teaching of me to be peaceful and calm in life without having to ‘run, run, run’ all the time. It has come to one’s attention that it was his idea all along to come up here and help me. In fact he planned it without a second thought. I believe the words were, “Don’t you think we ought to go up there and help Dawn out?” And if they hadn’t . . . where would I be? In what state would I be?
He came to me the other day and said to me, “I like to see you like this. Every once in a while I see you like this in spurts.” Such as? Like? “At peace with yourself. Total peace.” I smiled. He was right. I was at peace. It’s a wonderful feeling.
I remarked to my Divorce Care class joyfully that I had had 5 good days in a row. I haven’t had that in many years. It was then that I realized, this is normal. Having many good days in a row – is normal. I had always thought that the way I lived was normal. So many people remark that I look different, I look content and at peace. Oh if they only knew. (it’s not me, it’s God in me. He did this to me, for me.) Not by my own hands that I may boast……
Moving has added a few changes that brought about some concern. This means the girls had to change schools. Now the oldest welcomed it with open arms. She knew what bus she rode before I even knew a bus came into the subdivision. Little Miss Drama Queen was looking forward to it, but she took me by the arm and had me walk her to her class. She knew her teacher already because apparently the lady has a daughter that played volleyball with Doog Boog. Thus B-Bug had already met her. Everyone in the room lit up when we opened the door and this whisper was heard in the air.
Dink. Dink we were worried about and prayed for. She had never changed schools and waited for so long to get Ms. Moore. It broke her heart to be moving. She wanted to put it off for as long as she could. (personally, I think I had driven as long as I could) Dink surprised me. She took the secretary’s hand and went right off to where her class was without even a hug, kiss or last glance over her shoulder. Off she went. See, there goes my God again!
They have readily made new friends and come home excited to relate the new experiences of the day, normally all at once. It comes out something like this:
“…and then….told me . . .can I . . . we laughed alike . . . this boy in another class likes me . . . spends the night?” The oldest likes to come into my room at night and tell me her thoughts. I love it. I try to drink it all in knowing that one day she may not be so willing to open up to me. She’s such a wise young lady for her age.
B-Bug tried out for basketball and found out today she didn’t make it. Poor thing was heart broken. I drive up to the school to see her huddled in a ball in the grass crying. I knew instantly she hadn’t made it. God love her. I gave her a hug and let her cry on my shoulder. Life can sometimes be so hard. Know what she says, “I hope (Doog Boog) has better luck.” In her sorrow she wished better for her sister. What a commendable attitude!
So we went straight to the grocery and picked out pumpkins. I had to reward such a selfless attitude with a crème filled donut. We had quiet an enjoyable time shopping this eve. When we came back she was her old self, cracking jokes and laughing.
Dink takes the opportunity to sit with me during church services throughout the week. I enjoy having her next to me and she likes to hold my hand and wrap my arm around her. Her sisters have informed me that her birthday wish (which happens to be on Halloween) is to have time with just her Mommy. Dinner and shopping with no other siblings around. Awwww…..how did I my company ever become so valued! I don’t know which of us is more excited over it, she or I. These are the times she gets to talk without her older sisters or her brother interrupting, talking over, or interfering. And boy can that little girl talk! It’s like it’s been held back and the dam has broke. It’s cute to see her eyes light up as she tells events, stories, goals, feelings and the likes.
The move has led us to find another church. The church that offers the Divorce Care also offers a class for those who are looking at divorce and seperation, a class named Love and Respect (google this cause it’s got heaps of information for married couples) to strengthen relationships and teach us how to be the couple God wants you to be. It has a class for those who want to grow in their Spiritual walk and a class for each age of a child. I was truly impressed. Few churches look at the importance of strengthening a family and offering the opportunity of growth for Christians.
To hear the Preacher tell of the importance of stability in the family and that we need to be able to come against the Enemy that tries to destroy it….that was welcomed. Tis so true. Seems society today lays no real importance on vows, promises and commitments. So many look at marriage as: Until I find someone else, till I bore with you, till something/someone better comes along. No one seems to find their vow before God and Man to be serious. The Bible says it is better not to make a vow than to say your vow was a mistake.
In the current situation I am in, I still see marriage as sacred. To be reverend. Held with importance. That a person should be afeared to tarnish, meddle, contaminate, soil or wreck their own or another’s marriage. God said, that no man put asunder. God himself finds it sacred, who are we to find it any less?
Marriage is in no way easy. I do wish schools, churches and people themselves would express to those younger the importance and seriousness of marriage. How big of deal it truly is. To know how much work it is can only truly be known through the experience of one but if we would pass on to our children that marriage is supposed to be forever, till death do us part, then maybe people wouldn’t marry on such a whim. They would take the time to get to know a person to find if they truly fit what they want for the long haul. And it can be a horridly long haul when you aren’t rightfully matched. So many marry for the wrong reasons, do we even know what the right reasons are?
Those who know me realize I am preaching to myself as well. I have not lead a correct example of the things I have written, yet I have had to learn them the hard way. Having rushed into a marriage the first time with false advice, I have divorced my first husband. Though I took a much longer time with the second, I still did not take near enough time to get to know him either. Experience has taught me this: You should not consider requesting the hand of another person in marriage for no shorter than 3 ½ years of knowing them. Let’s face it, some people are better at putting on a front than others. And all those little idiocyncracies often don’t show themselves till a long period of time has passed. (does he squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, does she snore? What about chin whiskers? You know, those important things)
An engagement should last no fewer than 7 months. You should know by the other person’s actions what their moral values are. What is important to them? Where do they find guidance from? What personal goals do they have for the future? Are they a coward or someone who will truly protect you when needed?
I take responsibilities for faults in both of my marriages going belly up. No marriage fails for the fault of one person alone. It takes two to make it, two to break it. I was far too young and niave the first time, I was a coward the second time. But still, God is good.
Though there are many facts being left out, no paperwork has been filed on my second marriage. Through guidance I find rings correct within me, I have chosen to wait for a specific period of time to let God work. Personally, I thought the time was just to work on me. We all know I needed it and even with all that has been done, I am so far from perfect we all know He’s still got a lot left to do.
However, it appears I’m not the only one God wanted to work on. In the past month, my husband has gone to Promise Keepers and gotten saved. This in no way fixes what has been done in our marriage, but there is no doubt there is a change in him. As it has been said, “People how make that dramatic of a change in themselves don’t do it on their own. That’s God.” Very true. In fact, even his physical appearance has changed.
Healing takes time. Sorrow takes time. Rebuilding takes time. Currently God is doing all three on me. Slowly and gently. Peace that passes understanding. Joy. Strength. Wisdom. All of these are being grown inside of me.
There are things yet that need to be done and need to happen. I have learned a valuable lesson, many valuable lessons, in these past three months. There have been times I felt that my heart could just not take any more. That death would be a welcomed easy way out. I have been brought to the brink of my faith where I began to wonder if God was made aware of my existence or if he’d forgotten me. I have cried in heaping, sobbing cries till my head and eyes hurt. I have known the desire to curl up in a ball and hide someone where no one can find you.
And yet . . .
All along God was working in the background. I was too engaged in my own pity to hear the hammers. I was too focused on myself too spend the time on my knees. I had to borrow someone else’s faith, and sometimes we get there. How valuable are those friends of ours that will drag us to God on their coat tails? I have taken the chastising that was mine and humbled myself in repentance. I have not been denied. I have not been shamed. I have not been left forgotten. I have been made new. I have been bought with the blood of Christ and given what every child of a king is due.
A new life. Clean. Free of guilt and shame. A new ending to my story. Hope in things to come. A renewed and strengthened faith. Proof that God does care and is not absent in my life. Gifts that were not thought of to ask for. Surprises around the bends. More and more and more. . . and more to come.
Perfect. Not a chance. Forgiven. You betcha! I will still make mistakes and I will still trip and fall. But I know where to go to.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.” Psalm 37: 4 – 6
*to ‘delight’ means to experience great pleasure and joy in his presence. This happens only when we know that person well.
“If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” Psalm 37:23 & 24
If he said it, he meant it. If he promises it, he will make it come true. For the Lord cannot and will not lie.
